I am not perfect.
We are not perfect.
My family is not perfect.
Now, I'm not saying that I think everyone *thinks* I am perfect.
But I strive to be. And I am every so slowly learning that striving for perfection in myself and others is too much. Just too much. For anyone. And if it't too much for me to attain, who am I to think that others could do it too?
(I will apologize early on in this post because I haven't posted in so long that I am bursting. It's gonna be an earful, and one that I struggling with posting because of the intimacy of it. And it involves more than just me.)
So, *deep breaths* Here goes:
For the past 3 years, my entire family has been put on hold. Since May 2009, which is when we told the kids about the triplets, our world has revolved around the triplets. And me. Anything to keep them happy, keep me happy and maintain the peace. Self-preservation on my part. I'm not going to say I regret how we've handled the past few years, because obviously something was and is working because we are all still here and loving each other, regardless. And when you consider the divorce rate among parents of triplet parents is about 5% overall and and additional 4% suffer from sort of physical or substance abuse! Take into consideration our 'teen pregnancy and marriage at 18/19 at 48% and our stats go WAY UP. Like to about 55% averaged. Whoa.
Yet, here we are. Almost 20 years later. And so in love it's crazy. Soul mates.
We are all awesome and I am so incredibly blessed. I thank the Gods daily for my life. Something else I've learned to do more.
But I dropped the ball. (Again, yes, but this is biggie) Somewhere, along the line, I (ASS)umed that my older 4 kids would be 'just fine' since they are older'. They are near perfect in every single way. Notice, I said near.
I got a HUGE wake-up call. HUGE. And this is where my 'Oh fuck' moment comes in.
My son came home from a friends house, neighbor friend actually, drunk. Yes, I said drunk. :/
'Oh, fuck' right?
I'm not going to go into specifics because it's still so new, and to be honest, I'm not 100% sure I want to even post this, but as I said,
We are not perfect. And the pressure to be so is so intense. And I hope this somehow maybe helps someone in my shoes.
And my kids are not perfect. They are kids. Teens. They screw up, hell, they fuck up. Alot. This was a big fuck up for him. And of course, I feel like the Worlds Crappiest Mom. 'Go me, I done good. This is all my fault'
But it't not. My kids are amazing, well-behaved, delightfully intelligent and loving human beings, but they are not perfect. They are kids. Teens. Human beings that make mistakes and LEARN from those mistakes. See, that's how I know it's not my fault. They are individuals that think for themselves. He made a choice to do what he did. It was not my fault. There is no 'fault' to be had here. It was a lesson. He made a crappy choice and he learned from it. Next time, he will make the right choice. And I know this because I taught my kids to be themselves. I taught them to make choices. No, they don't always choose the right choice for them, but everyone makes mistakes. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. And not everyone makes the same mistakes, they make the mistakes that, in turn, makes the lesson learned personal to them.
Clear as mud right? :)
Some of the things he said, and I feel that peoples inhibitions are dropped after they've been drinking, and truth is more apt to flow out, made me cry. Sob actually, but he also made me think. This is his way of saying 'Hey! Look at me! I'm still here'
And baby boy, we are LOOKING. We are here and we see. I know, finally!
It's time for the triplets to realize that they need to fully merge into our family. It's taking alot of time and I am so proud of my kids for who they are and what they've become through all this. In some ways it's been amazing. To see my kids grow and their love for one another is just amazing, but in others, it's been so sad. I haven't fully been here for them. Not as I should have.I feel like I'm up above, watching my life as a movie, and I can SEE whats happening, but I can't stop it. It's self preservation because an emotionally absent Mom, was better, in my opinion, to a physically absent one because I went crazy (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit here, but you get the idea).
Poeple always say to me, 'Wow, you have older kids huh? That must be such a huge help!'
Okay, well, yes. But no. In the physical helping sense of the word, yes. They are awesome. They help SO MUCH. But for me, it's a huge struggle. I am, in a sense, raising two separate families. The physical needs of the older kids are so much different than the ones of the littles, that I struggled big time. I am still struggling. I am still earning how to be a good parent to (almost) 2 adults and 3/ 2 year olds. Throw in some teens and preschoolers and you got yourself a recipe for an emotional roller coaster.
He was my wake up call. We all sat down and talked and we are slowly readjusting the roles that we all will take in this. The babies are 2.5 years. They are old enough to now be 'one of the kids'. It's actually going okay. I'm surprising myself and doing really well.
I feel a calmer household with a bit more laughing. Well, among the older kids. TheTriplets are just setting forth their official 'sibling rivalry' And let me tell ya, it's not a ton of fun.
But again, lessons of life and being learned. And part of life is continuing to learn.
That is the one thing I want my kids to always know.