Moving Backwards

I am just not getting this. It is 2012. North Carolina just approved a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. But they didn't stop there. They also went one step further by not allowing civil unions. 

What.The.F***. !?!?!?!

WHY is this even an issue? Who's business is it of ANYONES to tell someone who they can and cannot love. Let alone our government. 

Black.Gay.Girl.Old.Transgender.White.Boy.Bisexual.Straight.Young.Tall.Funny.Blonde.Lesbian.

All I see from all those words is a person. People. Human beings that love and needs love. The desire for touch and companionship. The need to share their love with another person, or even multiple people. 

I hear all this talk from people about how 'allowing gay marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage'

Someone please tell me how that is? You know what? Never mind. I don't want to hear any closed minded opinions of how that could happen. It doesn't. No more so than a heterosexual couple could. Or ANY couple for that matter. 

This video is going around Facebook. I watched it. I cried. I watched it again and again and wished the whole time that Tom was my son. That I could take him in my arms, hold him and tell him I love him. His parents should be ashamed of themselves. 

I have so much more that I could say but I'm so angry right now. And sad. And disgusted with the fact that there is even a need for me to be angry, and sad and disgusted. 

Please watch the video. Its long. And its sad. But take a minute and really watch Tom and Shane. Watch the video clips. You can SEE how much love is shared there. LOVE. And really, when it comes down to it, thats really all that matters. 

When I See you Smile...

Usually a certain photograph can make me sing a little song in my head. This one though, makes me think that someone who witnesses me looking at this particular photograph, will be able to see what I am singing based purely on the look upon my face. 

'When I see you smile 

I can face the world, oh oh, 
you know I can do anything 
When I see you smile 
I see a ray of light, oh oh, 
I see it shining right through the rain 
When I see you smile 
Oh yeah, when I see you smile at me'

Far From Perfect

I am not perfect. 

We are not perfect. 

My family is not perfect. 

Now, I'm not saying that I think everyone *thinks* I am perfect. 

But I strive to be. And I am every so slowly learning that striving for perfection in myself and others is too much. Just too much. For anyone. And if it't too much for me to attain, who am I to think that others could do it too? 

(I will apologize early on in this post because I haven't posted in so long that I am bursting. It's gonna be an earful, and one that I struggling with posting because of the intimacy of it. And it involves more than just me.)

So, *deep breaths* Here goes:

For the past 3 years, my entire family has been put on hold. Since May 2009, which is when we told the kids about the triplets, our world has revolved around the triplets. And me. Anything to keep them happy, keep me happy and maintain the peace. Self-preservation on my part. I'm not going to say I regret how we've handled the past few years, because obviously something was and is working because we are all still here and loving each other, regardless. And when you consider the divorce rate among parents of triplet parents is about 5% overall and  and additional 4% suffer from sort of physical or substance abuse! Take into consideration our 'teen pregnancy and marriage at 18/19 at 48% and our stats go WAY UP. Like to about 55% averaged. Whoa. 

Yet, here we are. Almost 20 years later. And so in love it's crazy. Soul mates. 

We are all awesome and I am so incredibly blessed. I thank the Gods daily for my life. Something else I've learned to do more. 

But I dropped the ball. (Again, yes, but this is  biggie) Somewhere, along the line, I (ASS)umed that my older 4 kids would be 'just fine' since they are older'. They are near perfect in every single way. Notice, I said near. 

I got a HUGE wake-up call. HUGE. And this is where my 'Oh fuck' moment comes in. 

My son came home from a friends house, neighbor friend actually, drunk. Yes, I said drunk. :/ 

'Oh, fuck' right?

I'm not going to go into specifics because it's still so new, and to be honest, I'm not 100% sure I want to even post this, but as I said, 

We are not perfect. And the pressure to be so is so intense. And I hope this somehow maybe helps someone in my shoes. 

And my kids are not perfect. They are kids. Teens. They screw up, hell, they fuck up. Alot. This was a big fuck up for him. And of course, I feel like the Worlds Crappiest Mom. 'Go me, I done good. This is all my fault' 

But it't not. My kids are amazing, well-behaved, delightfully intelligent and loving human beings, but they are not perfect. They are kids. Teens. Human beings that make mistakes and LEARN from those mistakes. See, that's how I know it's not my fault. They are individuals that think for themselves. He made a choice to do what he did. It was not my fault. There is no 'fault' to be had here. It was a lesson. He made a crappy choice and he learned from it. Next time, he will make the right choice. And I know this because I taught my kids to be themselves. I taught them to make choices. No, they don't always choose the right choice for them, but everyone makes mistakes. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. And not everyone makes the same mistakes, they make the mistakes that, in turn, makes the lesson learned personal to them.

Clear as mud right? :)

Some of the things he said, and I feel that peoples inhibitions are dropped after they've been drinking, and truth is more apt to flow out, made me cry. Sob actually, but he also made me think. This is his way of saying 'Hey! Look at me! I'm still here' 

And baby boy, we are LOOKING. We are here and we see. I know, finally! 

It's time for the triplets to realize that they need to fully merge into our family. It's taking alot of time and I am so proud of my kids for who they are and what they've become through all this. In some ways it's been amazing. To see my kids grow and their love for one another is just amazing, but in others, it's been so sad. I haven't fully been here for them. Not as I should have.I feel like I'm up above, watching my life as a movie, and I can SEE whats happening, but I can't stop it. It's self preservation because an emotionally absent Mom, was better, in my opinion, to a physically absent one because I went crazy (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit here, but you get the idea). 

Poeple always say to me, 'Wow, you have older kids huh? That must be such a huge help!'

Okay, well, yes. But no. In the physical helping sense of the word, yes. They are awesome. They help SO MUCH. But for me, it's a huge struggle. I am, in a sense, raising two separate families. The physical needs of the older kids are so much different than the ones of the littles, that I struggled big time. I am still struggling. I am still earning how to be a good parent to (almost) 2 adults and 3/ 2 year olds. Throw in some teens and preschoolers and you got yourself a recipe for an emotional roller coaster.  

He was my wake up call. We all sat down and talked and we are slowly readjusting the roles that we all will take in this. The babies are 2.5 years. They are old enough to now be 'one of the kids'. It's actually going okay. I'm surprising myself and doing really well. 

 I feel a calmer household with a bit more laughing. Well, among the older kids. TheTriplets are just setting forth their official 'sibling rivalry' And let me tell ya, it's not a ton of fun. 

But again, lessons of life and being learned. And part of life is continuing to learn.

That is the one thing I want my kids to always know. 

*It's Been A Year*

It's been one whole year since my world was turned upside down.

It's been 12 months since I got one of the worst phone calls of my life.

And it's been 365 entire days since I almost lost one of my very best friends in the world.

One year ago I blogged this entry.

Today, my baby sister is doing better. Physically she has 'mostly' recovered from the accident that very likely should have killed her. A few bumps in the road here and there but overall, she's come a very long way. Emotionally, I'm not really sure. And I'm not-sure enough to not go into it on here.

But it didn't kill her. And I thank the higher powers that be every day that she was given another chance at life. I'm not sure I could have recovered if I lost her.

I'm thankful for so many things that came from that accident. I'm even more thankful for my siblings and try so hard to not take it for granted that I have them. I'm thankful for the lesson that everyone around me learned about drunk driving.

I'm thankful that my baby sister is alive.

A Heavy Heart & Signs Of Hope

A few posts ago, I mentioned an unusual amount of teen suicides in our small town. 2 night ago, there was another. This is now 7 in 7 months. This time it was a 14 year old girl named Eden. She was bullied so badly that she took her own life. SHE WAS 14. Fourteen. Still just a baby with her whole life ahead of her. My heart is breaking. Being a teenager is HARD. Try to think back and remember.

Korie Nicole is an amazing photographer trying to make a change. She has started a campaign. Her and a few other local photographers. Amazing work!

YOU MATTER

If you are local to me, check it out. Go. Be there. SUPPORT OUR KIDS.

Remember this song?

(RIP Whitney, you will always be amazing to me)

Listen closely. It all starts at home. Teach your children empathy, compassion & RESPECT FOR OTHERS ALWAYS.

LOVE EACH OTHER. It's NOT that hard!!

So Much To Do

I thought it would be good to write while I was having a good day. I tend to write when I'm stressed, excited, overly exuberant or angry. I'm not sure what it is about those things that make me want to write. Writing is obviously an outlet for me. Which got me thinking. Maybe I should write. Really write. Like, a novel, or a book or an autobiography or something. Nobody has to read it, or like it but it might help some stress. One of my lovely blog readers, Hellena, has inspired me. She is a beautiful writer and such a beautiful person. I started reading her blog a few days ago and it's fantastic. I can lose myself in her thoughts and her words. So, I'm thinking I should start writing, or at least blogging more. I'm not sure I can blog as amazingly as she does, I'm not sure I'm ready to 'let loose' so to speak.

Hellena does and she is inspiring. That is on my list for sure. Oh yeah. My list. That is what I was intending to blog about today. I got distracted reading Hellenas' blog.

I have a list. I call it a 'Pre-Bucket List' because, even at 38, I just do not FEEL 38 (more like 25!) so I'm nowhere near ready for an official Bucket List. I'll wait until I am at least 40 for that. My list changes all.the.time too. I add to it, I take away, I put things on there that will more than likely never, ever happen. That should almost be a different list. My 'In Another Lifetime List'. I'll get to work on that. It will be fun to see how many of those I can move over to my 'Pre-Bucket List' and my 'Bucket List'

(another little secret about me, that you MAY have already figured out. I am a list maker. I make a list for EVERYTHING.)

My Pre-Bucket List (as of March 5th 2012 at 1pm, anyways)

Blog more

Write an autobiography

Write about my experiences with breastfeeding triplets

Write a novel

Get WAY better at photography

Play more

Try dog breeding

Backpack around another country

Buy an older VW Bug or Van and fix it up. By myself.

Relax often

Read more books

Become a gestational surrogate

Re-certify my CNA and work in a nursing home again

Bring the kids to a soup kitchen to help with meals

Bring the kids to a nursing home to visit with the elderly

Start one of the many photography projects that keep spinning around in my brain

Stencil my family room wall

Put hardwood floors in my home

Continue working on my patience

Finish my back tattoo

Get a few more tats (an owl and Jack & Sally)

Attend a rainbow gathering

Sew all my own clothing

*sigh*. That's all I can think of for now. I know I have more but the kiddos are starting to get crazy.

life.overwhelmed.

Seriously.

I used to love February. Not so much anymore. This month has been c.r.a.z.y. Obviously since my last post was almost exactly a month ago. This is going to be kind of a pity party, so if you want to come, please stay and read. If not, I so will not be offended if you step away. Most of my Facebook friends will probably not want to relive my month. Yes, it was that bad. BUT. We are all here. And alive. And well. And happy. And (I do say this with caution) back to normal. Finally.

My horrible month started on February 4th. Rosalie woke up from her nap SICK. Sicker than I've ever seen one of my children. Fever was 104 and she was lethargic and limp. Called the advice nurse, and after determining that she needed to be seen, we headed to the ER. Upon arrival at the ER, vitals were taken.

Temperature: 104.2, Respiration: 46, O2 Sat: 76% (!!!) Pulse: 158.

Yeah. Read those again. No, I am not kidding.

Keep in mind that we put a healthy child down for a nap and this is what she woke up like.

Pneumococcal pneumonia. Do I realize there is a vaccine for this? Yep. Pneumonia has 90 subtypes. The vaccines that they have made can protect against 13 of them, given they choose the right one that year. So, basically a 1/90 chance that this MIGHT have been preventable. Not good enough odds for me. But this isn't meant to be a vaccine debate at all.

So, long story short, 3 days in the hospital and she is okay. Thank the Gods. I will mention that the Dr's were SHOCKED that she recovered so fast. I smiled and told them no vaccines and 2 years of breastfeeding did that. :)

While we were in the hospital, I realized how many people are not here for us. Not really. Our baby girl almost died and 2 people came to show their support to our family. My amazing sister and a very very dear friend, both of which I'm not sure I could have made it these past 3 years without, let alone the latest 'stuff'. I'm not angry, or bitter. Not anymore. Almost losing Rosie helped me to see what's important in life. Not lingering over my expectations of people. Obviously mine are too high.

Next to follow along in this awesome month was just lots of little things. You know, the little stuff that can just make or break you? Yeah, I almost broke. Literally.

Broken down cars, broken washing machine, dishwasher died, more illness although nothing near Rosie's, money issues (but who doesn't have THOSE?!), family stuff with another sister that I can't even get into, it's still just too hard and unresolved (in my opinion anyways). Add in general life for us among all this and yeah, life gets crazy.

Our small town has endured the suicides of 6 teens in the past year. Although I did not know any of them, it has weighed heavily on my heart. I have teens. And the thought that these teens were suffering so much that they took their own life, just breaks my heart. And the suicide issue has also hit home hard with a friend whose 2 children are in pain and reaching out also.

Then, we get to add to all this bullying. My 12 year old daughter came to us with a broken heart. Sobbing and crying, begging to switch schools. The problem? One certain teacher and a handful of kids. Kids that she has been friends with for years. ( Have I mentioned that you couldn't pay me enough money to be 12.13.14.15 again? Never) Imagine being 12 and walking through school feeling invisible. And ignored. Feeling like a nobody. My baby girl did this for over a MONTH before she came to us. This is what my Facebook status was a few days ago:

'Bullying is serious. In ANY form. Bullying is not just calling names and 'being mean'. Bullying is not just physical. A child shunned by all her friends and most of the school is being bullied also. A child should not have to walk around school feeling 'invisible'. Even if your child isn't 'friends' with someone, or they aren't BFF's anymore, teach them know that acknowledgment is important too. Just a simple smile can change a persons day. And please talk/listen to your child. Don't just ask about their day. Get specific. Ask about their TEACHERS. You are trusting these people to be a part in raising your child. Ask how they interact and treat your child. Its important.'

As for the teacher? Well, the list is long. My daughter was taped to her desk. TAPED. For rocking back in her chair. She was told that her work was worthless. She was told that if she didn't understand an assignment to 'just take an F'. She was humiliated and ridiculed by a TEACHER.

And she had no friends to turn to. She endured this for a month before coming to us. She didn't want to worry us, or bother us. Poor sweet baby girl.

She is now in a new school in our same district. So far, so good. She is happy.

Things are looking better. Tomorrow is March 1st. A new month. Spring is coming and I am hopeful for a continued happiness and peacefulness.

I have a new car (old one got sold because it was a gas hog. 10mpg? No thanks), all the kids are healthy, happy and content. For now :)

I am hopeful that it will continue.

It HAS to.