A Heavy Heart & Signs Of Hope

A few posts ago, I mentioned an unusual amount of teen suicides in our small town. 2 night ago, there was another. This is now 7 in 7 months. This time it was a 14 year old girl named Eden. She was bullied so badly that she took her own life. SHE WAS 14. Fourteen. Still just a baby with her whole life ahead of her. My heart is breaking. Being a teenager is HARD. Try to think back and remember.

Korie Nicole is an amazing photographer trying to make a change. She has started a campaign. Her and a few other local photographers. Amazing work!

YOU MATTER

If you are local to me, check it out. Go. Be there. SUPPORT OUR KIDS.

Remember this song?

(RIP Whitney, you will always be amazing to me)

Listen closely. It all starts at home. Teach your children empathy, compassion & RESPECT FOR OTHERS ALWAYS.

LOVE EACH OTHER. It's NOT that hard!!

So Much To Do

I thought it would be good to write while I was having a good day. I tend to write when I'm stressed, excited, overly exuberant or angry. I'm not sure what it is about those things that make me want to write. Writing is obviously an outlet for me. Which got me thinking. Maybe I should write. Really write. Like, a novel, or a book or an autobiography or something. Nobody has to read it, or like it but it might help some stress. One of my lovely blog readers, Hellena, has inspired me. She is a beautiful writer and such a beautiful person. I started reading her blog a few days ago and it's fantastic. I can lose myself in her thoughts and her words. So, I'm thinking I should start writing, or at least blogging more. I'm not sure I can blog as amazingly as she does, I'm not sure I'm ready to 'let loose' so to speak.

Hellena does and she is inspiring. That is on my list for sure. Oh yeah. My list. That is what I was intending to blog about today. I got distracted reading Hellenas' blog.

I have a list. I call it a 'Pre-Bucket List' because, even at 38, I just do not FEEL 38 (more like 25!) so I'm nowhere near ready for an official Bucket List. I'll wait until I am at least 40 for that. My list changes all.the.time too. I add to it, I take away, I put things on there that will more than likely never, ever happen. That should almost be a different list. My 'In Another Lifetime List'. I'll get to work on that. It will be fun to see how many of those I can move over to my 'Pre-Bucket List' and my 'Bucket List'

(another little secret about me, that you MAY have already figured out. I am a list maker. I make a list for EVERYTHING.)

My Pre-Bucket List (as of March 5th 2012 at 1pm, anyways)

Blog more

Write an autobiography

Write about my experiences with breastfeeding triplets

Write a novel

Get WAY better at photography

Play more

Try dog breeding

Backpack around another country

Buy an older VW Bug or Van and fix it up. By myself.

Relax often

Read more books

Become a gestational surrogate

Re-certify my CNA and work in a nursing home again

Bring the kids to a soup kitchen to help with meals

Bring the kids to a nursing home to visit with the elderly

Start one of the many photography projects that keep spinning around in my brain

Stencil my family room wall

Put hardwood floors in my home

Continue working on my patience

Finish my back tattoo

Get a few more tats (an owl and Jack & Sally)

Attend a rainbow gathering

Sew all my own clothing

*sigh*. That's all I can think of for now. I know I have more but the kiddos are starting to get crazy.

life.overwhelmed.

Seriously.

I used to love February. Not so much anymore. This month has been c.r.a.z.y. Obviously since my last post was almost exactly a month ago. This is going to be kind of a pity party, so if you want to come, please stay and read. If not, I so will not be offended if you step away. Most of my Facebook friends will probably not want to relive my month. Yes, it was that bad. BUT. We are all here. And alive. And well. And happy. And (I do say this with caution) back to normal. Finally.

My horrible month started on February 4th. Rosalie woke up from her nap SICK. Sicker than I've ever seen one of my children. Fever was 104 and she was lethargic and limp. Called the advice nurse, and after determining that she needed to be seen, we headed to the ER. Upon arrival at the ER, vitals were taken.

Temperature: 104.2, Respiration: 46, O2 Sat: 76% (!!!) Pulse: 158.

Yeah. Read those again. No, I am not kidding.

Keep in mind that we put a healthy child down for a nap and this is what she woke up like.

Pneumococcal pneumonia. Do I realize there is a vaccine for this? Yep. Pneumonia has 90 subtypes. The vaccines that they have made can protect against 13 of them, given they choose the right one that year. So, basically a 1/90 chance that this MIGHT have been preventable. Not good enough odds for me. But this isn't meant to be a vaccine debate at all.

So, long story short, 3 days in the hospital and she is okay. Thank the Gods. I will mention that the Dr's were SHOCKED that she recovered so fast. I smiled and told them no vaccines and 2 years of breastfeeding did that. :)

While we were in the hospital, I realized how many people are not here for us. Not really. Our baby girl almost died and 2 people came to show their support to our family. My amazing sister and a very very dear friend, both of which I'm not sure I could have made it these past 3 years without, let alone the latest 'stuff'. I'm not angry, or bitter. Not anymore. Almost losing Rosie helped me to see what's important in life. Not lingering over my expectations of people. Obviously mine are too high.

Next to follow along in this awesome month was just lots of little things. You know, the little stuff that can just make or break you? Yeah, I almost broke. Literally.

Broken down cars, broken washing machine, dishwasher died, more illness although nothing near Rosie's, money issues (but who doesn't have THOSE?!), family stuff with another sister that I can't even get into, it's still just too hard and unresolved (in my opinion anyways). Add in general life for us among all this and yeah, life gets crazy.

Our small town has endured the suicides of 6 teens in the past year. Although I did not know any of them, it has weighed heavily on my heart. I have teens. And the thought that these teens were suffering so much that they took their own life, just breaks my heart. And the suicide issue has also hit home hard with a friend whose 2 children are in pain and reaching out also.

Then, we get to add to all this bullying. My 12 year old daughter came to us with a broken heart. Sobbing and crying, begging to switch schools. The problem? One certain teacher and a handful of kids. Kids that she has been friends with for years. ( Have I mentioned that you couldn't pay me enough money to be 12.13.14.15 again? Never) Imagine being 12 and walking through school feeling invisible. And ignored. Feeling like a nobody. My baby girl did this for over a MONTH before she came to us. This is what my Facebook status was a few days ago:

'Bullying is serious. In ANY form. Bullying is not just calling names and 'being mean'. Bullying is not just physical. A child shunned by all her friends and most of the school is being bullied also. A child should not have to walk around school feeling 'invisible'. Even if your child isn't 'friends' with someone, or they aren't BFF's anymore, teach them know that acknowledgment is important too. Just a simple smile can change a persons day. And please talk/listen to your child. Don't just ask about their day. Get specific. Ask about their TEACHERS. You are trusting these people to be a part in raising your child. Ask how they interact and treat your child. Its important.'

As for the teacher? Well, the list is long. My daughter was taped to her desk. TAPED. For rocking back in her chair. She was told that her work was worthless. She was told that if she didn't understand an assignment to 'just take an F'. She was humiliated and ridiculed by a TEACHER.

And she had no friends to turn to. She endured this for a month before coming to us. She didn't want to worry us, or bother us. Poor sweet baby girl.

She is now in a new school in our same district. So far, so good. She is happy.

Things are looking better. Tomorrow is March 1st. A new month. Spring is coming and I am hopeful for a continued happiness and peacefulness.

I have a new car (old one got sold because it was a gas hog. 10mpg? No thanks), all the kids are healthy, happy and content. For now :)

I am hopeful that it will continue.

It HAS to.

Busy.Busy.Busy

Life is hectic. I do plan to write more someday soon, but this is why I've been so busy. :)

Bekah & Sarah ♥

And redecorating my entire house.

Finally my creativeness has returned! Yay!

Living The Journey. Step 2.

So, since the whole purpose of my dreadlock journey is so that I can learn to just 'let things go', I figure I better start on it now that my lockes are fairly fully established. The locks were my first step in this process. I know it's confusing that I started with such a huge step, and now I'm keeping it small again, but it's how I had to do it. I had to prove to myself that this was possible in the biggest way I knew how.

It is!

The biggest 'physical' change that I wanted to see when I first started this journey is in my home. Being a sahm (stay at home mama) means that this is my job. My career. It includes caring for the kids, doing the laundry, making meals and keeping the house clean and picked up. Among tons of other things but you what I'm saying. And I take it seriously. Too seriously. To the point of it causing me anxiety. It's crazy and stupid, I know that. I feel that just as how my children behave are a reflection of how I've done as a Mom, so is how the house is kept. It's my job. Simple as that. Would I go to a place of business that I was employed at and leave my office trashed? No.

My point. If the house isn't relatively picked up, at (most) all times, I can't stand it. ( I'm talking the daily toys and clutter, NOT the cleaning. I will continue to be a cleaning freak :) I like that trait in myself, Lol) I can't think in a messy house. I can't do anything in a messy house. A messy house puts me in a bad mood. Stupid. And the odd thing is, it doesn't bother me at someone elses home. Only mine. Pretty sure it's because it is MY responsibility to keep MY home clean.

At least I've figured myself out without help :)

I decided that I needed to be less worried about the small stuff. Like the bathtub toys. The girls play with them every.single.day. But every day, when the baths are done, we scoop up the toys and put them all back. And if, for some reason, we don't do it right after bath, I'll do when I'm going to bed.

That.is.dumb.

This is my first step in changing things:

Yes, that is from last nights bath and it's 3pm the next day and I haven't picked them up yet. usually I have to play the 'out of sight, out of mind' game with myself but not this time. Today I was even able to take a photograph of them and walk away.

This is HUGE for me.

I am really really proud of myself.

I just keep telling myself... 'baby-steps', 'I think I can, I think I can'.

My goal is to just be able to let the mess linger a tad bit longer before picking up.

We'll see how I do. Wish me luck. :)

My Personal Journey, thus far.

I've gotten a few emails and a few comments left by readers that wanted to know more about my dreadlocks, how it all started, what they mean to me, and also wanted to see some progression photos. So, here it is. Almost 2 years of dreadlocks. My journey, thus far, as simple as I can make it right now.

And I can simply say, best.decision.ever.

I've had my locs for almost 19 months now. I started them June 21st of 2010.

I've dreamed of having dreadlocks ever since I can remember. The biggest reason that I never just did it was perception. 'What would people think?' Yep, that was my biggest fear.

This is what I've learned.

Dreads are:

Natural.

Beautiful.

Patient.

True.

Unique.

Simple.

Carefree.

Hippy.

Sensual.

Peaceful.

Organic.

Thoughtful.

Self.

♥

Dreads are not:

Dirty.

Smelly.

Ew.

Icky.

Gross.

Nasty.

Greasy.

Lice.

Itchy.

*Black.

*Black. should be number one actually. Yep, really. I just would like people to do their research before labeling and stating 'facts')

And yes, these are the things that I hear. I see the eye rolls, I hear the whispers. At first, it bothered me. It made me sad. It takes longer than a day to un-learn what you've seen and done for 37 years.

At about a year into this journey, I would be offended and angry at the comments.

I would be most horrified when these people would show their distaste and horror over my dreadlocks, in front of their children. Hell, it was bad enough in front of my kids too, but at least I could talk with them and answer their questions.

Way to 'set an example'. Great job showing your kids acceptance and tolerance. Nice work on showing them how to tease, belittle and laugh at someone elses expense. Awesome work on showing them how to judge someone based solely on looks. Because yes, that IS what your child is learning. Yes. Children do learn by example.

Now? Now I smile. And laugh. And smile even bigger. My dreadlocks are for ME. I'm not 'doing this to my hair' so that I can have opinions thrown at me daily. I started this journey to better myself. To learn more about me and to finally really start LIVING how I feel. Not, FEEL how I should live. Live how I think others want me to, or how others think things should be. And how does this all relate to dreadlocks? I was always 'messing'; with my hair. Growing it out, cutting it off. Coloring, perming, highlighting. You name it. For some reason, I needed the constant change in my hair. I think it was some sort of oddly placed control thing. I am a bit OCD. I wanted that to change some, so I took away from my control the one thing I always used. My hair. I had to just 'let things go' 'let it be'. I had no choice. This was a huge step in bettering me as a parent, a wife, and a person. For me. I was ready to take that step. I NEEDED to take that step, triplets were kicking my scheduled, planned, list-making OCD butt.

So, I smile at the lady trying to whisper something incognito, you know the one, where she leans in to the side with her hand kinda over her mouth. But just as a shield, (because you know, lip reading is another one of my hidden talents) to her husband who, believe it or not, looks like he might just think they are kinda cool. And I will add the disclaimer that it could very well be the triplets that people are oogling over. But usually not. You see, I've also learned in the past few years, that people will express their opinions on your children, whether nice or not, much more readily than they will talk with you about your hairstyle.

Totally something to think about huh?

I've changed so much in the past 2 years and 11 months. And I'm really happy, content and proud of who I am becoming. And the best feeling is that I'm not afraid to show it anymore. It's a nice feeling.

♥

The following what I hope I am portraying to my children. Because so much of this whole process is about them, for them and because of them. Without my babies, I wouldn't be who I am today. And I like what's happening. I kinda love it actually.

-Soaring Eagle (owner at www.dreadlockssite.com)

dreads are freedom. they are deep personal and intimate connection to

the true self, the earth, to life force of the universe. dreads are a

connection to the true self because all your lifes experiences are

recorded in your hair. when the hairs locked all experiences intercept

all others creating a oneness that can be called wisdom. they are

pure natural beauty. they allow you to be your most natural self, free

from the artificial cosmetic reality of grooming and dressing to impress

makeup and fashion reality

you are simply you. nothing more. nothing less.

dreads are strength and healing.

lets look for a second at anorexia and body image issues that come from, pressure to be perfect, and sensitivity to what others say (youre fat

and worthless. ugly etc etc etc.) when you dread you must stop caring what others

think and only find the strength to know your true worth. and true

beauty does not require validation from shallow narrow minded people.

dreads give you confidence in yourself. in your worth. in your beauty and

value. and that your true value does not lie in your looks but in your

heart. dreads literally are wearing your heart on your sleeve. letting your

soul shine forcing people to look deeper within you...or look away.. it

repels the shallow while attracting the deep..

to dread you invite criticism. you gain the strength to not be so hurt

by ignorance. you find your own bliss and in that bliss you are

protected and cannot be easily harmed by the misery of others

As for my kids?

My kids have learned how to respond and react to both the negative and the positive comments that I get about my hair. The littles will pat my hair or play with my dreadlocks while saying 'Mama beautiful'. The older kids will smile and laugh and usually start a conversation that is pretty opinion seeking. Just because they are teenagers, I suppose. They gotta get a jab in here and there.

But, they have all learned by example.

So, in a nutshell. I started my dreadlock journey to teach me patience, acceptance, and letting go of the little things. Picking my battles. Whats important and what isn't. And it's going really well. I feel a better parent. I know I'm calmer and more patient. I feel things so much deeper and with more thought. It has truly been a journey of me. A look inside my soul. And of who I really am, who I want to be and what I want my children to learn from me.

August 2010

November 2010

January 2011

June 2011

August 2011

December 2011

What did I 'do'? Nothing. No chemicals. No hairbrushes. I use baking soda, apple cider vinegar and peppermint essentials oils on it about twice a week. Every other day, or whenever I'm bored and just watching TV, I separate the locks so they don't 'congo'. If you don't tear them apart they can all grow together and that would be really difficult to care for.

And that's it. Simple and beautiful.

Now, if I could just kick the ocd-ness of always having to have my house clean and picked up, I would be complete :) Oh well, I'm definitely a work-in-progress.

A Whole New Year ::2012::

I meant to write this last night but completely forgot. I thought it would be cool since I started this blog on NYE 3 years ago. Oh well, maybe a good 'overview' post is waiting to climb outta this one. :)

We had no older kids at home for NYE so the 5 littles went to bed at 9pm and we pretty much vegetated on the couch until 2am. Watching 'Parenthood' (if you haven't seen it yet, DO. It's wonderful. We watch it on Netflix) and playing with Hazel (our bunny).

It.was.awesome. And even awesome-r is that I didn't have to worry about the older kids at all. They were all safe at friends' homes'. No driving at all after 9pm. Best gift for the New Year for me, EVER.

So, back to my story.

Ever since I was a little girl I wrote out my 'New Years Resolutions List'. Every year. I even have most of them saved still. I love to look at them. Pretty funny, the resolutions of a 13 year old girl :)

This year, I decided, in addition of course to my regular list, to focus on one major thing that I wanted to really work on, for myself. Something that was just for me. I have a hard time doing that usually. I mean, of course, on my list is the usual 'be a better Mom, be more patient, spend more individual time with each of the kids' but that all involves others too. This 'resolution' doesn't.

I am going to learn everything that I can about photography. I want to make beautiful, artistic photos more than anything else I've ever wanted to do. Second only to being the best wife and mother that I can be.

I really want this. This photo that I took 2 days ago made me want this even more.

I had a session with a client, a friends sister, right before the New Year. It went amazing. This is one of my shots of her daughter, Katie. I'm usually pretty critical of my work.

Not this one.

I am so dang proud of this photo. I've been pretty much literally showing everyone (and yes, posting it on Facebook is the same thing as showing everyone these days :)

Katie ♥

So, what do I think of the New Year?

I think that 2012 is going to be amazing, beautiful, calm, loving, peaceful and happy.

And that my house is going to be full of alot of photographs.

I ♥ photography.

And I've said it before, but this time I'm doing it. I'm ordering myself a tee shirt.

'Photography Is My Prozac'.

If you haven't yet seen my photography blog, check it out :)

Nikki Semro Photography

(I'll be posting Katies' session, with her Mom, sister and brother, later this week. Watch for it!)