9 days.

It's been nine whole days since the babies have nursed. I'm so conflicted about it. They day-weaned themselves a few months ago so we were only doing the nighttime nursings. The nighttime nursings used to be what got me sleep. But since they have become toddlers, not so much. Nighttime nursings became a time to play with the other sister who was nursing. And I used to be able to pull them off and they would roll over and go to sleep. Not anymore. Now they would scream in protest if I so much as attempted to adjust my body while they are nursing. It just wasn't working anymore. At all. I would lay in bed, awake for hours at 2am, 4am and 5am just waiting for them to finish. Sometimes, they didn't and I would be up all night. I don't know what caused the change other than them becoming aware of each other much more now. So, I decided that it was time to be done. A decision that was heart wrenching. I wanted so badly to nurse them to 2 years. But mentally, I just could not do it anymore. I have days where I think my decision was the right one, and days where I wish I would've stuck it out just 3 more months. Some days I feel very selfish, while others I look at how far we all came and I smile.

I KNOW I did good. I KNOW that exclusively breastfeeding triplets to 21 months is a major accomplishment but that Mommy-Guilt still likes to peek in every once in awhile.

I try to rationalize. 21 months is huge. If they were singletons, that is 63 months! Okay, I know that doesn't make a ton of sense, but it makes me feel better.

The babies are doing okay. I went to Seattle for the first night so Aaron could comfort them and I wouldn't be tempted to run up there. I came home and he said they did great so the next 4 nights I slept on the couch. They cried a few minutes when they awoke the first few nights but now they don't cry at all. Now, on Day 9, Emilia has slept all night in her room for 7 of the 9 days. Gwendolen has for 5 or the 9. Rosalie, 0. But it's okay. She comes in with us and lays her head on my shoulder and goes right back to sleep. They do seem to sleep better now, and of course, so do I.

Gwendolen is the only one that still seems to miss it. The 3rd day I stepped out of the shower, she saw me and started crying for 'a drink, a drink'. This morning, I caught her trying to nurse off my neck as I was sleeping. When she realized that I saw her she stopped and said 'I drink' and laughed and climbed off the bed.

I think they are okay. And I am okay.

I know in my heart, that I gave them the best that I had.