I've been sitting here forever trying to figure out a title for this post. I figure, this time, the title will come after the post, not something I normally do.
A few months ago, this was a really crappy post to have to write. I know, nice English, but really the only other word I could think of didn't sound great.
I guess I don't have alot to say right now. Well. I do but I'm torn as to whether or not I want so much of my private life out on the internet. Ha. Did I really just say that? I guess I'm more meaning that I'm not sure it's my right or my place to 'out' someone, something, or a situation on my blog. I think deep down I feel that's it okay since this is MY blog and they are MY feelings. I actually did a blog such as that once, with just references to a person. But that person was upset with it so I deleted it. But I'm not sure still. I'll wait.
My blog seems to be so all.over.the.board. I must have writers ADD or something. Looking back, I seem to blog when I'm stressed out, or sad, or angry. Not so much when things are going smooth or I'm happy and content (which, sadly, doesn't seem often enough for me) More of the negative, extreme emotions provoke blogging. Now, I know what is my Prozac. Writing. I must have added to my 'coping mechanisms medications list' since I now find myself turning to my camera more than my writing. And the awesome thing is, it works. Photography Is My Prozac. Haha. I need a tee shirt.
Right now, I'm all of the above. Crazy right? I'm completely stressed out, I'm anxious, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm happy and content. I'm in love, I feel beautiful, I feel angry.
But I've decided that all those feelings are okay because I also,
FEEL HOPEFUL.
Because, really, in this situation it's all I have left to give. Hope, and Love.
This is a message for 2 amazing people in my life that I love so very much. With all my heart. It's not intended as a lecture, or an 'outing' or bitching. It's not a goodbye or a fuck you. It's intended as, just what I said, a message. Listen closely. Listen carefully. And know that I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER the sickening fear that I've lost you both. Too many times.
I ♥ you both so so so much. I need you. We all do.
(as usual, I'm using music to try to relay my thoughts)
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