It' something I used to think I did ok at. I mean, it's not easy juggling a household, a husband, kids, sometimes a job, grocery shopping, errands and then add in maintaining friendships while we're at it. Not easy, but vital. Especially to a mom. It's someone besides kids to talk to. Or besides the grocer. Or the mailman. I will say that since I was 16, Aaron has been, and always will be my very best friend. I think that's what makes our marriage work on any level. It seems we can go through anything and still come out laughing. Thank goodness, right?
And my sisters. They have been my life friends since they were born. That's a given. Lately, without them, I would have no true friends. And that is a sad, sad, thought.
My mom. Another friend that is pretty much a given.
What I'm talking about here is the people we meet either later in life, as adults, or people that you've stayed friends with since childhood. It seems, that once you grow up, the definition of friendship changes. Having daughters, I see this all the time. Fickleness. The drama. It makes me smile inside and thank the Gods that I am no longer in that stage of my life. It also makes me so thankful for the few true friends that I have that carried on since childhood. And most importantly, it makes me step back and look at the friendships that I've made as an adult. When I say friendships, I don't mean the people that you talk to here and there. Or have coffee with once in awhile. Of course, those people are your 'friends' in the truest sense of the word, but I am referring to the innate connection you make with people based on lifestyles, morals, values, beliefs and expectations. The people that you will never forget. The ones that somewhere along the way, made your life just that much easier, or better, or happier. The moments with those people that you will remember the rest of your life.
I've been fortunate enough to have a few of these people in my life. And (I'm going to pull the triplet card here) having triplets, has turned me selfish. That's right. I feel selfish. I am so in 'Nicoles' World" all the time, that I've forgotten how much these people mean to me. How much I love them and value their friendships. Lately. Crap, for the past 16 months, it's been how hard MY life is. How much MY life has changed, how difficult things are for ME. Well, I guess I could say US since I tend to lump my immediate family into the perspective but for arguments sake, I'm just going to say ME. ME, ME, ME, ME, ME. I've never been a ME person. Ever. I'm a listener. A problem solver. An sympathetic ear. A shoulder to cry on.
Used to be. Now, I've turned into someone who forgets everything, doesn't return phone calls and focuses her whole day on when I am going to get a break.
I do not like this 'new ME'.
I had been thinking of this posting for a few weeks now, but in my head, it wasn't written like this. I obviously needed a wake up call. This is what made me change my thoughts. And realize what a shitty friend I've been. (As a matter of fact, I'm not sure you can even used the words 'friend and Nicole' in the same context at this moment in time). And how I need to stop this damn pity party that I've been hosting for the past 2 years and realize that other people are going through their own shit too. It's not all about ME. My life is GOOD. I have an amazing husband. 9 beautiful kids. And yes, it's HARD. But I never once thought this would be a cakewalk so I'm not sure why I wasn't prepared for the mentalness of it all.
I have NINE healthy, beautiful, amazing babies. And the older 4 need me just as much as the younger 5. It's just a harder balancing act that I need to practice a bit more. I'm not doing so well at it lately. I guess I can lump that under the 'Crappy Friend' category and just work on it all at once.
It's about time I start focusing on the positive and not the negative.
It's about time that I realize that I am needed for being Nicole and not just Mom.
It's about time that I start enjoying my life and all my babies before they are grown and gone.
It's about time that I make these friendships a priority in my life.
And it's about time that I revalue my friendships and go back to being the kind of friend that I used to be. Or at least, the kind of friend that I always tried so hard to be. The kind, compassionate, listener that I would want of a friend.
So, for those of you (family and friends included) affected by my selfishness the past 2 years, first of all, thank you for your love and support through everything.
Secondly, a huge apology for my selfishness and pity bullsh** the past 2 years.
And to those of you that will want to comment how 'it's ok. 'It's understandable' and how I 'Need to not be so hard on myself'......
Nuh-uh. Not gonna fly for me this time. I'm not looking for more pity or for the 'It's ok's'.
I'm looking to change. Or go back, however you want to look at it.
Right now. Today.
And I do realize, after re-reading this post, that again, the 'poor me' started seeping through. Seems it won't be an instant change. More of a work in progress I suppose.