We *heart* Fall

For the past 27 months, I (and the 5 littles) haven't left the house much. It's been really hard for me to adjust to taking all 5 of them out and about. Not without some help anyways. I just haven't been comfortable with the safety issues of me trying to manage 5 children under the age of 5 in public, by myself. Heck, even when I have help it's so much work that we usually just make sure someone is here to stay with at least a few of the littles so that we don't have to take them out.

Long story short, we NEED to get out more. Alot more. The babies are getting older (Almost TWO!!) and it IS getting easier to be out and about. I'm slowly trying things here and there.

Today, I decided that I needed to be a FUN mama again and take the kids to the Pumpkin Patch.

I called my sister and asked if her and her daughter would like to go. So we all went. (All but Aaron and Joey, they were at a soccer game) We had a blast. The kids had fun. We even dressed them in their costumes to make it extra special. Helps with cuter photos too :)

Emilia and Gwendolen were scared TO DEATH. (They freak out now whenever they have to go outside, and won't even WALK outside by themselves. I'm hoping more outings will help) Rosalie loved it. Cassidy (my niece), Annie and Lilah were thrilled. Juliette, Noah and Noah's girlfriend just hung back and helped/watched.

Pretty sure Fall is my most favorite season. Here are just a few beautiful reasons why:

Cast of Characters:

Piglet - Rosalie

Monkey - Gwendolen

Ladybug - Emilia

Dorothy - Delilah

Witch with striped tights - Annabel

Witch with orange ruffled hat - Cassidy

Happy Fall!

Never Lose Hope.....

I've been sitting here forever trying to figure out a title for this post. I figure, this time, the title will come after the post, not something I normally do.

A few months ago, this was a really crappy post to have to write. I know, nice English, but really the only other word I could think of didn't sound great.

I guess I don't have alot to say right now. Well. I do but I'm torn as to whether or not I want so much of my private life out on the internet. Ha. Did I really just say that? I guess I'm more meaning that I'm not sure it's my right or my place to 'out' someone, something, or a situation on my blog. I think deep down I feel that's it okay since this is MY blog and they are MY feelings. I actually did a blog such as that once, with just references to a person. But that person was upset with it so I deleted it. But I'm not sure still. I'll wait.

My blog seems to be so all.over.the.board. I must have writers ADD or something. Looking back, I seem to blog when I'm stressed out, or sad, or angry. Not so much when things are going smooth or I'm happy and content (which, sadly, doesn't seem often enough for me) More of the negative, extreme emotions provoke blogging. Now, I know what is my Prozac. Writing. I must have added to my 'coping mechanisms medications list' since I now find myself turning to my camera more than my writing. And the awesome thing is, it works. Photography Is My Prozac. Haha. I need a tee shirt.

Right now, I'm all of the above. Crazy right? I'm completely stressed out, I'm anxious, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm happy and content. I'm in love, I feel beautiful, I feel angry.

But I've decided that all those feelings are okay because I also,

FEEL HOPEFUL.

Because, really, in this situation it's all I have left to give. Hope, and Love.

This is a message for 2 amazing people in my life that I love so very much. With all my heart. It's not intended as a lecture, or an 'outing' or bitching. It's not a goodbye or a fuck you. It's intended as, just what I said, a message. Listen closely. Listen carefully. And know that I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER the sickening fear that I've lost you both. Too many times.

I ♥ you both so so so much. I need you. We all do.

(as usual, I'm using music to try to relay my thoughts)

And....

http://www.youtube.com/user/ColdplayVEVO#p/f/19/o2qJl7TP9IM

Photography Blog

Another step..I set up a photography blog. It will be mainly just publishing's of my sessions/and fun stuff.

Enjoy :)

http://nikkisemrophotography.blogspot.com/

Choices.

Sometimes, just sometimes, okay, usually. The RIGHT choice isn't always the EASY choice. For some reason, the decisions that I ponder the longest and hardest, usually turn out just fine. Aaron always gives me grief for being indecisive. I'm not indecisive. I just like to make the right decisions. All the time. So I think. Alot. Obsessively almost.

We decided when Annabel was about 2 to homeschool her and any other babies that came along. Our older 4 kids have all, and still do, go to public school. The experience has been fairly average. Not awesome, but not crappy either. We researched a ton and decided to homeschool. Our older kids were given a choice, and for 6 months, Juliette did try homeschool, but she decided to go back to public school. We fully supported either decision.

Fast forward to this summer. I was getting everything prepared for Annabels' schooling. Workbooks, pencils, and science stuff. We restocked her art cabinet with all new supplies. We continued working on her name, her phone number, the alphabet and counting. Did we ever 'sit down at the table and drill knowledge into her' ? No. She learned as she lived. We counted how many bites she had left to eat at the dinner table. She learned to subtract a few smaller numbers by eating. ' I have 5 peas left. I have to eat 2, so that leaves 3' ! We buy Scrabble Cheez-Its and she loved to find all the letters in her name. We would look for other words too and when she found them, she could eat them. Just to name a few things. Learning through living. It how I believe it should be.

Then I had to really open my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to continue with homeschooling. I knew that while Annabel was learning, so were the other 4. The babies can count to 3. Delilah is doing small subtracting too.

But. The babies are getting so.damn.hard. It's all I can do most days just to eat. I'm quite overwhelmed almost every day and keeping my sanity has to take priority for just a minute. (Which, by the way is where my photography steps up and heals my mind) Even if it sacrifices some of my own philosophies

Aaron and I had to step back and really ask ourselves if this really was the BEST option for Annie. Now, don't get me wrong, I still truly believe in homeschool. I love the theory of un-schooling (Aaron and I don't agree on the subject of un-schooling, but that's okay) and we've been her teachers for 5 years now. We all have. And I think we've done pretty damn good. I am confident that I can continue to be her teacher, why would I suddenly question that? My biggest question was, can I be the BEST teacher for her right now?

We are so fortunate to have lived in the same home for almost 11 years now. Which means we know the school. And the teachers.

My son, Noah, had the most amazing Kindergarten teacher. We'll call her Mrs. D. She was a storybook teacher. The kind they show in movies, or write about in books. She was the perfect combination of loving, and kind, yet stern and consistent. Every child felt loved and knew what was expected of them. I felt safe sending my child to be in the care of this wonderful lady for 2.5 hours a day. I knew she loved him as her own, and wanted nothing more than to teach these children all that she knew. The most amazing part, is that she was able to make each and every child feel that way. I felt my son was getting the same level of love and knowledge that he was getting at home. It's not easy for a teacher to make a parent feel this way. She truly loves her career and it shows.

We decided to send Annie to school. BUT. We had it 'under one condition'. IF we could get Mrs. D., we would send Annabel to school. And I am driving her because what happens on a school bus is for a whole 'nother day. :/

ANNNNDDDDD.....WE GOT MRS. D.!!

We talked with Annabel about it and she's quietly excited. Very typical Annabel reaction. Sweet, sweet girl.

We decided to take it year-by-year. We'll look at it every summer, see how things went and.....just see. I do feel a little guilty. But when I look at the situation as a whole, this is the right choice for us for right now. And best of all, it's the right choice for Annabel, and all I want in all my parenting adventures, is to make the choices that are right for my family. It's all Aaron and I ever want.

Today, right now and this minute, I am excited for my baby girl.

And she is pretty darn thrilled too. She couldn't stop giggling as we were taking her pictures.

Thanks Mrs. D. For being the kind of teacher that loves each and every child for who they are. And thank you for sensing my almost anxiety attack as we were registering her for school and hugging me. You reassured me with one simple gesture how much you already love my daughter. I can't wait to see Annie grow this year, with your knowledge, your love and your guidance.

♥ ♥ ♥

Vacation.

We just got home from our yearly lake trip. We stayed a week this time and had SO.MUCH.FUN. I think this time, a picture IS worth a thousand words. Family, friends, love, and FUN. What more could one ask for?

♥ ♥ ♥

9 days.

It's been nine whole days since the babies have nursed. I'm so conflicted about it. They day-weaned themselves a few months ago so we were only doing the nighttime nursings. The nighttime nursings used to be what got me sleep. But since they have become toddlers, not so much. Nighttime nursings became a time to play with the other sister who was nursing. And I used to be able to pull them off and they would roll over and go to sleep. Not anymore. Now they would scream in protest if I so much as attempted to adjust my body while they are nursing. It just wasn't working anymore. At all. I would lay in bed, awake for hours at 2am, 4am and 5am just waiting for them to finish. Sometimes, they didn't and I would be up all night. I don't know what caused the change other than them becoming aware of each other much more now. So, I decided that it was time to be done. A decision that was heart wrenching. I wanted so badly to nurse them to 2 years. But mentally, I just could not do it anymore. I have days where I think my decision was the right one, and days where I wish I would've stuck it out just 3 more months. Some days I feel very selfish, while others I look at how far we all came and I smile.

I KNOW I did good. I KNOW that exclusively breastfeeding triplets to 21 months is a major accomplishment but that Mommy-Guilt still likes to peek in every once in awhile.

I try to rationalize. 21 months is huge. If they were singletons, that is 63 months! Okay, I know that doesn't make a ton of sense, but it makes me feel better.

The babies are doing okay. I went to Seattle for the first night so Aaron could comfort them and I wouldn't be tempted to run up there. I came home and he said they did great so the next 4 nights I slept on the couch. They cried a few minutes when they awoke the first few nights but now they don't cry at all. Now, on Day 9, Emilia has slept all night in her room for 7 of the 9 days. Gwendolen has for 5 or the 9. Rosalie, 0. But it's okay. She comes in with us and lays her head on my shoulder and goes right back to sleep. They do seem to sleep better now, and of course, so do I.

Gwendolen is the only one that still seems to miss it. The 3rd day I stepped out of the shower, she saw me and started crying for 'a drink, a drink'. This morning, I caught her trying to nurse off my neck as I was sleeping. When she realized that I saw her she stopped and said 'I drink' and laughed and climbed off the bed.

I think they are okay. And I am okay.

I know in my heart, that I gave them the best that I had.

Beach.

This past weekend, Aaron and I decided to try our luck with spontaneity. Okay, I lie. Aaron is the spontaneous one. Me? Not so much. In fact, it downright stresses me out. I like to plan. I'm a list maker. I have to-do lists laying around everywhere. I add to them daily. Aaron likes to live in the moment. Just pack up and go when you feel moved to do so. They do say opposites attract. We are proof.

Here are the results of our beach trip .Aaron wanted to visit with his Dad, who lives, obviously, at the beach. I'd say that spontaneity was in our favor this day for sure.

Oh, and you may have noticed the mark on the photos. Nikki Semro Photography. I've decided to try my hand at professional photography. So, if you are local to me and know anyone who might be interested, tell them about me. Shoot me an email at nikmjnj @ yahoo dot com. I also have a page on Facebook. Look it up, Like my page :)