Strength....

Today was my Grandmas wake. I learned something about myself today. I learned that Im not nearly as strong as I thought I was. I consider myself a very strong person. I went today with the intention of being there for everyone else. Im the big sister. Im the oldest daughter. I was supposed to be the one everyone could fall apart on. Boy, did I get a wake up call. I turned out to be the one sitting in the corner, a total mess.
I did try to go into the viewing room. I went in there, my back straight, my shoulders back, ready to visit with family I hadnt seen in years. I took 3 steps, looked at my Grandma laying so peacefully in the casket, and from there I cant really tell you what happened. My head started spinning, my knees buckled, my heart hurt like no pain Ive ever felt before and I ended up in the nearest chair, clutching onto Annabel.

I hope tomorrow is easier. Maybe my mind will be more prepared than it was today. My heart sure wont be. There is a piece of my heart that will never come back, its gone with my Grandma.

Maybe strength isnt my thing.

Five Rainbows

My cousin just called. Shes driving here from Brookings. In the time since she left her house this morning shes seen FIVE RAINBOWS. FIVE. This is very signifigant to us. My Great Grandma, Great Grandpa, Uncle Mike, Uncle John and Grandma. The relationships between those people are what is significant. My Great Grandma and Great Grandpa were parents to my Grandma and Uncle John. My Uncle Mike was my Grandmas first son.

**The legends of many cultures see the rainbow as a kind of bridge between heaven and earth. One of the most beautiful sights in nature, the rainbow has become in western culture a symbol of renewed hope; something lucky to look upon. The North American Catawba Indians of the Southeast and the Tlingit of the Northwest both regard it as the bridge between the living and the dead. **

Coincidence? I truely dont think so. Im so glad that Jennifer pays such close attention to the signs that she is given and that she could pass that on to me.

I now now in my heart that they are all together and I am so happy.

R.I.P Nancy Lou Sarysz. My Grandma.

My Grandma died this morning. Im not sure how I feel. Well, that isnt correct. I KNOW Im sad. Very sad. But I feel if I cry, Im crying for ME. Not for her. Shes all better now. I guess I can cry for my kids for the great-grandma they didnt get for 35 years like I did. Or for my Grandpa whos lost his wife. But truely, to cry for ME just doesnt feel right. It seems selfish. But I do feel relief for her. She was in so much pain. All the time. Im glad the pain is gone. I know that shes now with her son, her mom and her dad and that gives me peace. But now my Grandpa is left here all alone. Thats not right either. How can someone dying make you feel such heavy sadness and such great relief all at the same time? Conflicting emotions are hard. I seem to get them alot lately.


Jeez, if this is what being an adult is like, I think Ill pass. Too late you think?


I have to tell the kids when they get home. I worry about Madeline. She was pretty upset when we left Grandma last night. But she did get to say goodbye. And Grandma smiled when she heard her voice. I hope the kids remember how much she loved them and loved being with them.


I was talking with my Aunt Lori this morning. She said something, She said "Not many people get such a perfect death" "All of her family got to visit and say goodbye and hold her one last time".


Very true statement in my opinion.


My mom, sister and Grandpa were with her when she died. My uncle is here from California.


RIP Grandma. I love you.







Grandma and Nikki. (me)

What a beautiful woman.

Another Sad Day......

Grandma and Newborn Baby Delilah

So my blog isnt really all about death but it looks like that is the topic of the beginning of the New Year ;(

Today is not a good day. My grandma is dying. Well, she was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer 6 months ago but now is the time. Her time. The Dr's say a few hours or possibly a few days. Strange how this makes me feel like Im 5 again. But I cant be 5 when my family need me to be 35. And strong. My cousin Jennifer is coming from Brookings tomorrow. Thank God. I need her just as I did when I was 5.

R.I.P Jett Travolta

This is sad. So sad.

I know it happened Friday but Ive been thinking about it all weekend and I just cant stop thinking about it. I love John Travolta. I have since I saw Grease when I was like 10. And every other movie hes done since then.

I hate that him and his wife have to go through this. No person should have to feel the pain of losing a child.

There are very few actors in Hollywood who are so personable that you feel like you know them. Very few actors who have the talent and the personality to be so loved by the public. John Travolta is one of them. Such an amazing family. Such a tragedy.

My heart is breaking for them. I pray that they find peace in all this.

I thought this song by John Lennon was sort of fitting. Not totally but it still sort of sums up the relationship and how important a father/sons love is.

Beautiful Boy

Close your eyes,

Have no fear,

The monsters gone,

He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,

Beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,

Say a little prayer,

Every day in every way,

It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,

Beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,

I can hardly wait,

To see you to come of age,

But I guess we'll both,

Just have to be patient,

Yes it's a long way to go,

But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,

Take my hand,

Life is just what happens to you,

While your busy making other plans,

Beautiful,

Beautiful, beautiful,

Beautiful Boy

Its Snowing. Again.

And the kids are NOT happy. They are so ready to get back to school. 3.5 weeks for Christmas break is alot.

Hopefully, it will start raining soon so they can get back to school. As it is, they are going to be stuck inside till the end of June!

Its Official...

Annabel is potty learned. And yes, we try to say learned. Let me tell you why. If you think about it, most people say "potty trained". Well, in my opinion, training is something you do with a puppy. Am I right? Our children are not animals (ok, sometimes we say they are but they really arent) So, with our kids, we teach them things, thus they learn those things, so its logical to me to say "potty learned" as opposed to potty training.

We are going to the store today to get some "big girl panties". Im hoping we can finally get dressed.

On another note, Lilah isnt totally walking yet. Shes still trying. Stands by herself. Takes a few steps but nothing too drastic. Thank goodness. Imagine your 2 youngest children meeting major milestones on the same day? Potty learning AND walking? Too much for me to take in on one day.

Oh, and the obligatory "Frankensteins First Steps" picture. (I say that only because that is what it looks like, nothing to do with her independent developing personality)