Hypocrisy, Eating My Words & And Apology

I have debated about this post for days. Half of me says 'write it, it's important'. The other half of me, the ashamed, chicken shit half of me, says 'no way, hide in the closet, do not speak of what you've done'.

It seems that hypocrisy is a word familiar to me. I posted about it here when the triplets were born and I had to leave the hospital to come home to get some rest.

I also posted a few weeks ago about a very controversial subject, CIO.

In that post, I said "I WILL NEVER DO IT".

Well, I did it. I am not proud. I am not happy. Even though, it seems to have 'worked'. I am not relieved. Not yet. I am ashamed, sad and judgemental. Now of myself. I hope that feeling goes away soon.

We have tried EVERYTHING to get these babies to sleep. Noise machine, car rides, wearing them, rocking, pacing, the dryer, binkies. All that worked was me and the boob. But these babies are not only children. They are #7, #8 and #9. They have to make adjustments to our family too. Sounds harsh, but for 7 months we have been literally catering to them, which is NECESSARY for babies, don't get me wrong, but when it's affecting our entire family to the point of complete and total dysfunctionality, it's time to make some changes. Not fun changes, but necessary ones.

You may be asking yourself, what got you to that point? Honestly? Besides exhaustion. My mental well being. I felt thisclose to cracking. I've never in my life experienced a mental breakdown, but I'm pretty sure what I was feeling was close. I cried all the time. I yelled at my other children, alot. I was never happy. I even wrote my husband an email telling him I couldn't handle this anymore and that I was leaving. Yep. I did. Now, a person in their right mind could see how leaving, with the 3 babies and the toddlers, would accomplish nothing. I was not in my right mind. I was literally losing it. Ask any of my Facebook friends. They saw my pleas for help. I'm actually surprised that CPS never showed up at my door. I am not one to ask for help. Ever. So when I am pleading for it, you know something must not be right. My husband saw this, and told me we had to do something fast before our whole family fell apart.

All this because of 3 tiny humans that would not sleep.

We made ourselves a checklist. We found some resources on the internet and used them.

•Am I content with the way things are, or am I becoming resentful, angry, or frustrated? I was becoming angry, resentful AND frustrated. NONE of these things makes for a good mommy. In fact, those 3 things alone are a recipe for disaster when parenting triplets.

•Is my baby’s nighttime routine negatively affecting my marriage, my job, or my relationships with my other children? Yes, yes and yes. Aaron and I were not even talking. My job is my children. When I spent 5-7 hours a day putting babies to sleep, I never saw my kids. Which partners with the relationship question. I need to be a mommy to ALL NINE of my kids, not just the triplets.

•Is my baby happy, healthy, and seemingly well rested? No, yes and no. Grumpy grumpy babies. Almost always. They wanted to take up to 15 naps a day because they weren't getting any sleep. They are all very healthy so that did play a part in this decision.

•Am I happy, healthy, and well rested? No, no and no. I was not happy and enjoying my life or my kids. My mental health was suffering and I haven't slept in months. Not for more than an hour at a time.

•What is a reasonable expectation for my baby at his/her age? At 7 months, these babies SHOULD be able to fall asleep on their own and stay asleep for at least 4 hours.

•What naptime and bedtime situation would I consider “acceptable”? Falling asleep without assistance from the boob. After 3-4 hours, I do feed them/cuddle them/bring them into my bed.

•What naptime and bedtime situation would I consider “pure bliss”? Just what I stated above

•Why do I want to change my baby’s sleep patterns? Is it truly what’s best for me and my baby, or am I doing this to meet someone else’s expectations? This is what is best for our entire family. Including the babies. Babies need SLEEP.

•Am I willing and able to be patient and make a gradual, gentle change for my baby if that means no crying? Willing, yes. Able, no. I am alone during the day with 5 kids under the age of 4.

This is the 'list' we looked at. Our answers to these questions are in red.

So, given all that, we made the decision to CIO. I know, I know. Believe me, I KNOW.

I am fully prepared for the comments that are sure to follow this post. I considered turning off the comments so that I didn't have to face up to what I did, but then decided not to. Post what you must, but believe me, I am my own worst critic. I do know that this solution sucked. It sucked BIG TIME, trust me, I was the one sitting here crying with the baby monitor in my hands. My babies were the ones crying in their cribs. But as a friend said to me 'You've never raised triplets before, your doing your best' and as I keep saying to myself 'Having multiples sure changes the 'rules' of AP'. I do wish that my best felt good enough, just once. I do my best day after day after day, and it feels like I am always letting someone down no matter how hard I try.

It has been 3 days now. The babies still cry when we lay them down. It still breaks my heart. And we are still working on it. I've given myself 5 days. If they are still sad in 5 days, I'm done. But they are getting better. The most they cry for is about 20 minutes right now. And it's not screaming crying. It's some crying with alot of baby bitching in between. And when they wake up, they are smiling. They are still happy. They still love us.

I will say that I would NEVER EVER EVER condone CIO in babies younger than 6 months. NEVER. To be honest, I still don't condone it. I know, hypocrisy at it's best. It seems I am good at talking the talk but not so much at walking the walk.

CIO should never be done out of convenience. It really should be a last resort. If at all.

I stick by my original post that CIO is harmful to babies, and I HATE myself for doing it. But I had to consider the alternative. A mentally healthy mommy is pretty damn important too.

So, to anyone that HAD to use CIO, with no other options, I am sorry. I am sorry that you had to go through that. I am sorry that your babies had to go through that. Now that I have been there done that, I know the stress it causes and I wish that kind of pain and stress on nobody. No baby, no mommy, no daddy, and no family.

Our new routine? Just so nobody thinks I am completely heartless:

Wake.Eat.Play.Eat.Sleep.

Upon waking, from either a nap or nighttime, I nurse them. Then we play. And cuddle. And take walks. When they start to get tired, I nurse them all again. (and whenever they want as they are playing, we still nurse on demand) Since they all have to sleep together, in our room, ( 9 kids and a 4 bedroom house) they do have to get accustomed to sleeping through each others noises.) They will always be sharing a room. Then we turn on the sound machine, their projectors that put a picture on the ceiling and lay them down, in their cribs with their little Carters animal head lovies that they like to suck on, tell them we love them, smother them with kisses and hugs, say Night Night, and walk out.

Right now, they still cry. I'm hoping and praying it gets better. Soon.

As they awaken in the night, I bring them to bed with me and feed them, on demand, as usual.

What has this 'gotten me'?

TIME.

Time with my family. For the first time in almost a year, I can tuck my toddlers into bed. I can say goodnight to Noah. I can watch a movie with Madeline. I can talk to my husband. I can talk with Joey about soccer. I can hang out with Juliette.

I feel myself slowly getting better mentally. Yes, the process of CIO is a whole new stress, but it's one that will dissipate soon. I hope. I hope to forgive myself. Being able to heal as a family should help that. Again, I hope.

And hopefully, the benefits of rested, happy babies will outweigh the damage of CIO. I can only hope.