30 weeks is a big milestone. I'm so grateful to have made it here, still at home, still being able to take care (somewhat) of my other kids and be somewhat mobile. I say somewhat because yesterday seemed to mark the day that I can no longer do what I've been doing the past 20ish weeks. Walking, running errands, sleeping good, and even picking things up off the floor. At least, I can still, again I say somewhat, care for the little girls. It's all I can do to just fix them their 2 meals plus snacks every day. They are getting very good at bringing me what they want to eat with a bowl so that I can fix their snacks as I lay on the couch. A shower almost isn't worth it. Once I'm undressed, getting redressed is not fun.
I've been dealing with alot emotionally lately. I know that this is temporary, but I'm feeling like quite the crappy mom. The TV has become my kids' other parent. I usually try really hard to limit the little girls TV time, but lately, it's all they do. I've noticed a difference in their behaviors too. They are whiny, clingy and over stimulated. I blame TV but I also blame myself. I lay on the couch even to referee or discipline the little girls, and we all know how well that works with kids. They tend to not take you too seriously when you just lay there and yell. I am not that kind of mom. But I've been forced to become one. I'm scared to death that I won't be able to get my little girls back again. The ones that I had a mere 6 months ago. The ones that total strangers used to compliment me on them when we were out in public. I fear that I've ruined all the time that I've put into making them the best they can be. That I've ruined all the time I've spent trying so hard to be the best mom to them that I can. I can't be the mom that I aspire to be right now and it's a really hard thing to accept. I cry alot. Any little thing gets me going. It's not fun. Crying hurts my belly. Even crying can set off a contraction. I'm starting to hate these contractions, I mean, what's the point of them, it's not like they are going to help get the babies out. I think that if you are having a C-section, your body should know it and just stop with the damn contractions already. Wishful thinking right?
On the flip side, I do think that this has been good for the older kids. They've gotten more responsibility. They are doing regular chores, helping a ton with the little girls and helping me alot too. It is starting to get to them a little, I mean, if it's getting to me, I know it's getting to them. But they are older. It's easier for them to realize that this is only temporary. That soon, I will be back to the way I used to be. I know they are counting down the days just as much as I am.
And, on the best note, ever, we will come away from all this, stronger as a family and with 3 more beautiful baby girls. That is the ultimate goal and what we are working so hard towards. And, hopefully these little girls can come right home with us just in time for Christmas. I honestly cannot think of a better Christmas present. I know all I'm asking Santa for this year is 3 healthy baby girls that can come home from the hospital with me. Are you listening Santa? It's my only wish. In fact, we can call it good for the rest of my life. I'll never want another gift again. This is it.
And God, and all the other Spiritual Entities, Energies, and Mother Earth, if your listening (every single night, I know, I'm probably getting monotonous) if you all and Santa can get together on this one, that would be just perfect. I think it's do-able.