January 12. 2009

Today was quite possibly the worst day of my life. Ive had my share of crappy days but today tops them all.

Today we buried my Grandma. Watching someone you love so much be put forever into the ground is absolutely heart breaking.

The service was very nice. My Grandpa was so strong. It broke my heart to see his lip quiver as he tried to be so strong. How hard must it be to sit and gaze at the person you've shared your life with for over 40 years and know that you will never again see her face, hear her voice or kiss her lips. My heart breaks for him. He is such an amazing man.

Today did go better than yesterday. Today I made it into the room for the service. I attempted to go up to the casket after the service, I was afraid I would regret not doing so, and once the service was over, I was never going to see her again. Now, I didn't go up there to say goodbye. I said goodbye to my Grandma on Wednesday night when she could hear me. I said I love you, I held her hand and I kissed her. That was my goodbye. Today was more to prove to my mind, my mind that is refusing to believe that this is all happening, that it really is happening. That is MY Grandma laying in that box. I did make it up to see her. My cousin was there, I glanced at her and I instantly sobbed and clutched for her shoulder to hide my face in. Ok, maybe sobbed isn't the right word, a heart wrenching cry is more appropriate. My mind refuses to believe this. As my knees buckled, again, my Aunt Lori was there holding me. Holding me UP from falling.

So, although it doesn't sound like I did better, I feel like I did. In time, maybe my mind will come to terms with what my eyes saw today.

The kids all did well. Madeline was very upset but she did great. Juliette had a hard time seeing me break down but she did well too. Noah and Joseph were strong little men, and Annabel kind of just took it all in. Delilah was her usual smiling self. I just love the innocence of babies. Its so calming at times like this.

Aaron was Aaron. My wonderfully sensitive yet strong husband. God, how I love him.

Joseph and Aaron were pallbearers. Joseph did so good. I'm so proud of him, such a big job for a 14 year old boy. Grandma would have been proud too.

The one thing that stuck with me, as the minister was speaking was, "Death is just a temporary interruption in our relationships".

Oh, how that statement made me feel so much better. Temporary interruption I can handle. Its forever that is hard to accept.